Saturday, May 16, 2009

Yearning for Love

I find myself wanting so much to have a hand to hold, a heart to share, a companion to walk through life with... I want someone to care deeply about me.. to want to know about me. Someone who loves me.

I think that's what EVERYONE is really searching for...

and I think that's what God is really searching for too.

Who will come to my intimate chambers? Who will return the love I have shown? Who will pursue me?

I feel like sometimes I get so close to truly loving.. then I freak out and things get weird.. It's like I won't let myself truly get close and love in freedom. Fear takes hold and I can't shake it.

It used to be easy.. when I was a child, I thought like a child. It was easy to trust... I didn't have a care in the world. But then I grew and adopted fears of my parents, of the world, of my own.

And Jesus came to free me from my fears. He wants to get so close to me. and I am so lazy and afraid.

I am so not good enough for him and yet he still pursues me. I do not understand why.

But I am grateful.

And I am learning to open up to him more... It's a sacrifice. A surrender.

Okay, God, here I am. I want to trust you. So bad. I remember what it used to be like.. so in love. I will follow you back to that place.

Love you Jesus,

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Like Sunlight Burning at Midnight..

I feel like I am experiencing a "dark night of the soul." I can still go through the motions of faith, but my heart is so broken on the inside..

I am aware that I am in this season, and i know it is ultimately good, and I will come out of it in strength.. yet, that doesn't make it suck any less.

I've been writing songs that are "half-songs.." I have the sad part written, the broken part, and know there is a redemptive part too that will come as I come into redemption myself.

The following song is where I want to get to...

Beautiful, Beautiful
By Francesca Batistelli

Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face


I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace

Father, I trust you. The part that is still hanging on by a thread says, I trust you Father.. You've brought me this far. I trust you...

- Jessica